A BDSM Primer

BDSM 101 – A Brief Primer to the Dark Side of Human Sexuality.

I’ve been asked by many of my kinky friends, especially those starting out in the lifestyle, to write something like this. Why? Because apparently even with Google and Fetlife there is a lot of misinformation out there, and there seems to be a very real need for a guide or primer for the less experienced. BDSM is only for adults, and you should always be very aware of what you are doing so that you are able to keep you and your partners safe.

I am by no means an expert on BDSM, and I’m still learning new things everyday (as are all of us, I believe) but I have a reasonable amount of experience and knowledge gathered from more than two decades of research and about 8 years of playing, exploring and learning. I have been most blessed and fortunate to have studied under and worked with some of the most skilled kinksters on the planet (in San Francisco, natch) and as such I want to give back to the community a little.

I hope this document helps you on your kink journey, if even a little. If you’ve benefited from it at all, do consider helping me out by buying some of my books here and/or leaving good reviews.

The world of BDSM is always growing and changing, as we all are, so none of the information here is intended to be cast and set in stone forever
and ever. Every situation is different, and the reader will need to use his/her/their discretion to adapt to individual circumstances. That being said, I am fairly confident of the veracity of most of what I am relating. Feel free to message me either on Fetlife or at izenrann@gmail.com with comments or any other forms of feedback.

The Very Basics

I will assume that the reader is familiar with the absolute basics of BDSM, such as what a top, bottom, switch is. If not, here is a handy starter guide.

https://www.everydayhealth.com/sexual-health/speaking-bdsm-glossary-terms-used-describe-bdsm

Writing a primer for a primer would take too much time, unfortunately!

A good starting text is Screw the Roses, Send me the Thorns. It’s slightly dated, but still relevant.

There is also the BDSM test, floating around the Net somewhere. Google it. It’s a good starting point if you have no knowledge and want to gain self-awareness of who you are in kink.

Introductory Things Everyone Should Know

I once assumed that everyone knows this stuff but apparently not! So here we go.

The golden rule of BDSM is Consent Is King. Anyone, everywhere, regardless of situation, should always consent to any activity before beginning. I can’t stress this enough. CONSENT
MUST ALWAYS BE GRANTED. If you don’t know, ASK. No means no, and yes means yes. Always. Do not assume that consent given once is consent given in perpetuity. Once a scene is concluded,
and you wish to play again with the same person, ask once again.

Respect yourself, and respect your play partners. Always remember that each and every one of us is a human being. We all have lives outside of kink, we are nurses, doctors, policemen,
coders etc etc. Treat yourself and your partners well, always be safe, and your play will be THAT much hotter.

Alright! I hope that didn’t scare you off too much. Do keep in mind that while most kinksters are pretty awesome people, people will be people, and as such there will sometimes be
predators, assholes etc. You don’t know what kind of a past people have (unless they tell you) and you owe it to yourself to respect your boundaries and those of whom you interact with.
So once again, at the risk of being pedantic – Consent Is King. Can I play with you? Yes means yes, and no means no. The reverse is true. If you are asked, you can accept or turn down
as you decide.

Don’t take rejection personally. Like I said above, each kinkster is also a human being with their own boundaries, needs and such. Some may be exclusive to their partners, some may not
wish to play with a certain gender etc. Everyone is also at a different stage in their kink journey – some may just be hanging out to socialize, some may be just interested in learning
more and not wishing to engage in play per se. Always ask, never assume. Be polite and respectful and people will be the same to you.

Of course if they say yes…but that’s something we will visit later on!

The silver rule (if that’s even a term?) of BDSM is the only non-negotiable is negotiation. Before you begin any play, you must (notice I said MUST) sketch out the basic parameters of
a scene. What are your soft limits, pain tolerance etc. Stoplight system? Safewords? Things I can’t do? Things you WANT me to do? I’ll be covering that in more detail later.

The collorary to this is negotiate, but don’t negotiate the sexyness away! You don’t need to explain every single inch of every single stroke…that would probably be too much information.
Get the ground basics down, and then leave the rest to unfold. Negotiation is a way to establish parameters for safe and sexy play – think of it as drawing lines around a canvas, and
then the play is filling in all the beautiful colors inside. The frameworks of BDSM exist to provide a space where kinksters can indulge their desires in a sex positive and awesome way.

The bronze rule (these are like the Three Laws of Robotics? my inner nerd is showing) is to learn to address kinksters properly. BDSM, being by its nature on the fringes of society,
is peopled by weird and wonderful people like you and me who identify in all sorts of different ways. Putting in bluntly, while vanilla society is heteronormative, amatonormative, and
mononormative, BDSM is rarely that. Many of us are queer. Some are not cisgender. Some are poly. The list goes on (and I reference my point above that we are all human!) so general
rules of polite address are :

“How may I address you?”

“What are your preferred pronouns?”

“May I ask how you identify?”

Everyone’s sexuality is different, and thusly how it affects their play is also different. People may identify one way and play another – for example, there are cisgender hetero men
who tie up (and are tied up by) other hetero males, and there are women who either play with women, or don’t. Couples may be exclusive – they play with each other, are ok with you
watching, but are NOT ok with you playing. Don’t assume, observe, and ask nicely. Yours truly identifies as hetero leaning bisexual, but is pansexual at play – as in, when I am playing,
I am not unduly concerned with the gender identity or orientations of the people involved as long as they consent.

That’s it for the most important points.

Some other basics :

Never interrupt someone else’s scene unless given permission (Consent Is King again!) See no touch. If you ask and they give consent, by all means.
While interacting with someone’s slave/submissive, it is polite to seek consent from their owner if at all possible first. Their relationship dynamic may or may not allow them to
play/speak/or be friends with you.
If you do accidentally misgender someone (as in using a different pronoun than they prefer, see above) it is in my experience not a huge deal, just apologize.
If at any time you need things clarified, feel unsafe etc, do ask the mods or organizers of the event you are at. That’s what they are there for!
Once again, safety and consent first. You are in the end the only one responsible for yourself. You are under no obligation to play or to be played with. Play safe and have fun!

BDSM Frameworks

Before we move on to negotiation, I’ll touch on certain other aspects of BDSM which may be relevant to your journey.

The most common frameworks that kinksters use to negotiate play are SAC, RACK and FRIES. I’ll explain.

SAC stands for Safe, Sane and Consensual. This is a beginner’s framework. Do whatever you want, making sure that everything is – you guessed it – Safe, Sane and Consensual! Not
much to explain here right? 🙂 It is much like everything that has been outlined before.

RACK is for edgeplay, in which things can get a leeetle bit more dangerous. Things such as fire, electricity, knives and needles fall under this category. The principle of RACK – Risk
Aware Consensual Kink – is that all participants should know what they are getting into before they do it. Going to play with fire? Make damn well sure you and your partner know
what you are doing. Want someone to send 100 volts through your body? I’m not saying not to do it, but be aware of the possible dangers before you do.

An analogy I once read which I found useful is that BDSM is a little like mountain biking. It’s an extreme sport with a fair share of thrills, spills and yes – possible dangers. If
you’re going to play with knives, make sure you know what you are doing. RACK is a framework that necessitates more care, research and attention that SAC.

So in short – if you’re going to choke or suspend someone, make sure you do your research and understand that in the first case, blacking out during choking can cause brain damage.
Improper suspension can cause permanent nerve damage. Whether or not you choose to proceed with whatever play is up to you, but do take care. Make sure you are informed and educated
as to all risks and have at least done some research about whatever kinky thing it is that you wish to do.

FRIES is a model of consent which means consent has to be :

Freely Given
Reversible
Informed
Enthusiastic
Specific

Freely given. Yes means yes, no means no. Consent can only be given while an individual is sober and cognizant of their actions. So no asking people who are drunk, stoned or in another
state of consciousness. Assume no.
Reversible. Anyone can change their mind about what they want to do at any time. Even in the middle of something.
Informed. What is it exactly that you are doing? Both parties must know. I’m going to peg you…what is pegging? You have to know what it is to consent.
Enthusiastic. YES! FUCK ME LIKE THAT! JUST LIKE THAT! Is yes. “Hmmm…maayyybbe…I’ll think about it…tomorrow…” is not.
Specific. Consent to fuck is not consent to play is not consent to whip. Be specific about what you are consenting to.

This should be in place in all kink and sexual interactions.

Polyamory!

The full spectrum of which is beyond the scope of this document to address, but it has come to my attention that not everyone knows what it is, so…

Many kinky folks are polyamorous, or to use another term, ethically non-monogamous. Polyamory is being able to be in multiple romantic and/or sexual relationships at the same time.
It has a close cousin, ambiamority, which is being able to be in either monogamous or polyamorous relationships.

Much like human sexuality, polyamory also comes in many shapes and flavors. Some people are poly-curious. Some are hierarchical poly. Some are married, some are not. The list goes on.

As this is just a primer, the interested reader is welcome to check out :

The Ethical Slut (now in it’s 7th edition!) Considered by many to be the seminal text on polyamory. Highly recommend.

More than Two (website and book) Readers are advised to be aware that its author has been involved in allegations of sexual misconduct. It may still be relevant to your situation.

A Bouquet of Lovers (essay)

Touch of Flavor (podcast, website and community)

Kimchee Cuddles (comic)

Poly is a little like FRIES above, which means that everyone’s poly is different. Some are kink yes, sex no. (Their partners can play with others, but not fuck them.) Some are love yes,
kink no. (Date others, but don’t whip them) Which means once again, seek to know, respect and understand the boundaries and limits of each person involved.

The model I use is :

Love
Fuck
Date
Play
Marry
Cuddle

Are all different, and not mutually exclusive. People blend all of these in different ways. As above, consent to screw is not consent to date is not consent to marry. Always ask!

Negotiation and Aftercare

This is what you do BEFORE you begin a scene. First off, limits. Hard limits are absolutely no no, never ever in a bajillion years. Soft limits are maybe, let me think about, maybe
with the right person or right situation. The most common hard limits are piss/vomit/scat. While soft limits may be negotiated with, remember once again that consent is king. If your
partner does not explicitly consent, assume no.

This ties in to how to scene. Before you begin, state what you will and won’t do. And then proceed to do that and only that. You may want to do other things in the future, or in another
scene, but a good rule is to NOT negotiate in scene, because while you are playing, emotions and chemicals are racing, and clear consent cannot be given in that situation.
Follow what you have negotiated after you have negotiated it. No more, no less.

Another question I often ask is “what is your pain tolerance?” Don’t hit too hard if the person says it’s low. A few practice strikes can establish what is a good threshold of pain
tolerance, since our bodies can be different. Try it out on a raised palm before you begin playing.

Never hit the lower abdomen, since that is where the kidneys are.

Lastly, the stoplight system. Green means go, yellow means stop for a while, red means SCENE ENDS NOW, HERE. No questions asked. There is usually no need to call green, because if things
are going good, they are going good! Yellow would mean, for example, that while the whipping may be good, it may need to cease for a bit. Talk it out.

Red is the most common safeword. Depending on where you are playing, there may be a house safeword, or your partner may prefer something else (I once played with a deaf lady who obviously
couldn’t hear me, so lifting my hand into the air was the safeword we used)

If you at any time feel in any way endangered while playing (as a bottom) or you have reason to believe anything untoward is happening to you or your bottom (as a top) red out immediately.
Safety first. You can always play again later. No blame, no guilt, no shame. Red is a badge of courage, and not shame.

Once the scene is over, it is time for aftercare, which is where the top takes care of the bottom to make sure he/she/they feel nice and safe and comfy. This is essential as play
typically involves the release of endorphins and neurotransmitters which can send both partners into an altered state of consciousness. We all need to come back down to Earth. Once
again, this should ideally be negotiated before the scene begins. Aftercare varies, but common types include :

Getting a drink of water for your bottom
Cuddling your bottom
Body rubs
Headpats

whatever is their preference. Once again, communication is key. Do not skip this step, as it is important to bring down the rush for both top and bottom. It can be a brief as a hug and
cuddle, or can last longer in the case of more intense play.

Tops are recommended to check in with their bottoms a day or two later if the play has been particularly intense, especially if it involve the raising of welts, edgeplay etc.

Scene Basics for Tops and Bottoms

Always communicate with your partner while playing. This is once again a cliche, but what works in healthy relationships is also good kink. Like being hit? Tell your top. Less pain?
Tell them. More pain? Also tell them! Don’t go over every last detail (because that would take the fun out of it!) but always make sure you both are on the same page.

The two most common types of pain are thuddy and stingy. Thuddy is what is sound like – flat edged floggers and the like. Stingy is things like whips or cat ‘o’ nine tails.

Both topping and bottoming involve their own responsibilities, of course.

Topping :

It is the top’s responsibility to watch out for anything that may be happening to their bottom. Squeals and/or moans of pleasure are, of course, nothing to worry about, but do be
alert to sudden changes in movement or breath. Ask them what is happening, don’t assume. As always, err on the side of caution. It is always better to cease play, at least momentarily,
to make sure nothing untoward is occurring.

This goes without saying, but it is also the top’s responsibility to listen to the bottom. If they say red, you stop, no questions asked. If they say more, do more, and then ask if
the more is the more they liked. Incorporate what you are both sharing into the scene, and it will be the hotter for the both of you.

Bottoming :

Be present and alert to whatever you are experiencing. If there is too much pain, your sides chafe, or if you are feeling anything that makes you uncomfortable, it is your
responsibility to let your top know. For instance, the author enjoys rope burns while being tied up, but not all people do.

State your limits clearly, as outlined in negotiation above. There is also no shame in saying that you don’t know, and that you are not comfortable doing anything you do not know.

Inform your top BEFOREHAND about what effects play may cause. If you need to work tomorrow, and you bruise easily, keep that in mind and let your top know. You may want to consider not
playing at all in that instance.

With regard to the scenes of other people – if playing in a public space such as a dungeon, you are generally allowed to watch. Don’t block the views of other people (who may want to
watch as well!) Whatever you do, NEVER attempt to join a scene unless asked to do so.

If you have reason to believe something that you shouldn’t think is happening is happening (because in real life, accidents and mistakes happen) please don’t just jump in. Contact
the DMs and/or moderators of the space you are playing at.