This is a companion piece to the one I have on jealousy.
Envy. Everyone feels it – it is considered by most psychologist as one of the primary emotions. The green-eyed monster. Why does he/she have it better than me? I want that. I want it all!
I’ve struggled with envy for the better part of my life, due in no small part no doubt to the abuse that I went through as a child, teenager and young adult. At many times my self-esteem was in such tatters that it looked like everyone was doing better than me, and I do mean EVERYONE.
But that’s only one part of the equation. In looking around and comparing notes to others, I’ve noticed that envy is a many-fanged beast instead, and affects people in very many differentways.
I hope to share with you some ways to deal with it, some ways you can make peace with it, and some ways it can even help you.
The antidote to envy (and a great many other ills as well) may well be compassion.
In the throes of wanting what other people have, we often forget to be kind to ourselves. We forget to ask – why are we feeling so envious anyway? Can it really be that we have so little than we’re always looking at others and wanting more?
Does it hurt to not have what you want? And…doesn’t it hurt to look at others? Or even to rationalize and self-talk in circles? All the defenses come up – we tell ourselves the little lies that “everyone does it”
Wouldn’t it be simpler to just sit down with ourselves for a couple of minutes and say “wow, I’m sorry you feel this way. It’s not your fault that you don’t have that which are envious of.” Who would want to feel this way?
Try it. I won’t promise that it works wonders but I think it’s worth a shot at the very least.
Envy as a Spur
So..think about this. Why are we envious anyway?
What is it that we are so butthurt about? What’s our major malfunction? Maybe it’s some part of ourselves telling us to go out and get it, go out and do it!
I’m a big fan of negative emotions being used as signposts to where we need to grow, and envy is as good a starting point as any.
So try this one. Think of something you’re envious about. I’ll think of a common one – someone earning more money that you. I’m sure most people have felt this way before.
Ask yourself (and be honest!) – do I really want to earn more money than this person? Is it just sour grapes? Or it is something I really want to do, really want to go for? I feel I deserve more (which may be entitlement) but maybe I really DO deserve more and I should go out and get it!
These aren’t easy questions to answer, but I hope this points the way and/or give you a little shove and push.
Tunnel Vision
What my therapist told me about envy is very true – it isolates you, and it isolates your view of the world.
We forget to consider the bigger picture. We can only see what we don’t have, what we want, and somehow when we are in the grip of that green-eyed monsters the rest of the world fades away.
Think about that good-looking guy (or girl) Or the smartly dressed person buying coffee. Or the person with the new laptop you want. How much do we know about them, besides the fact that they look (emphasis on look!) like they have what we want? We don’t really know.
Think about that for a second and let it take the wind out of the sails of envy…we don’t really know.
We paint pictures in our mind and they often have no relevance with reality. We think that he’s successful… but how do we know? Maybe he is, but he has a sick family member. Maybe he has a terrible loan to pay off. We don’t really know…and actually – does it matter?
Can we allow ourselves to be compassionate with our envy? With our need to know? Try that on as well.
Remember, it sounds trite but it’s true – there is always going to be someone who has more than you, and always someone who has less. A teacher of mine once told me that is why our duty is to take from those who have more, and give to those who have less. Wise words I still follow till today.
Comparison Syndrome
It’s probably the advent of the Internet that has led to things getting this bad. Another blog post I read somewhere sums it up very well – on the
Internet you can always find someone who’s doing better than you, and you can bet that they don’t deserve it.
They say comparison is the thief of joy, and they are probably right. But as a counterpoint a good friend of mine once told me that if we are going to compare, to compare constructively. And sometimes I think it IS a good idea to compare.
There could be very real, understandable and concrete reasons why this person is doing better than you. Maybe he doesn’t have student loans to pay off. Maybe she comes from a richer family – we all like to deny how much of an advantage this is, but having more financial resources helps. They had resources you didn’t. All those make a difference.
I find it sometimes helps to be very realistic about such things. We’re not saying you or the person you’re comparing yourself to are better or worse. But that circumstances and experiences affect matters. That can help.
Let’s say that you want to be next Steve Jobs (just as an example, I don’t) You could look at what he did and see if there are any tips or things you can use to mimic his behavior. Okay, so you might not want to drop out of college. (or you might) But you might want to look into learning a whole lot of things, or making shrewd investments (like he did with Pixar)
If you have to compare, be smart about it and see what parallels there are you can learn from.
Don’t Forget What We Have
The thing about envy is that it is always – always – ALWAYS about what we don’t have. Which makes perfect sense. Why would we be envious of things we DID have? Then we would have them and then we wouldn’t be envious anymore. Kind of a Captain Obvious thing but hey, it needed to be said.
And so while we’re so preoccupied with all that…we often forget to be grateful.
There is a reason why almost all major religions have some form of gratitude practice – it’s good for the soul. Count your blessings, and they shall multiply.
On a personal note, no matter what suffering and travails I have encountered in my life, I have always been blessed with many, many close friends. They have been there through the dark times, to listen to. Those are no small gifts, and I remain eternally grateful for that.
And in grand scheme of things…remember, it’s not a competition. Things may be in the short term (like when in actual competitions) but life itself isn’t.
Everyone Can Win
This was personally one of the hardest things to do in my life, but also the most liberating in terms of being free from envy. I thought I would share it with you so that you may possibly experience some of the same freedom that I did.
Think about it for a moment. If someone does well, and you’re genuinely happy for them, where does the envy go?
You can succeed, and others can succeed, and the whole entire world can succeed. Someone else doing well (or being more successful, or earning more money, or getting laid more often) doesn’t actually have any relevance to you. If they earn more, you don’t earn less. It’s not a zero sum game.
Even if they are people you don’t personally know, they are humans on the same Earth. We may be different people, but we always share our humanity.
So in the final equation the success of others actually in some ways means that you are succeeding as well. Hard to swallow at first but it’s helped me.