If I could tell you, I would have a million billion kajillion dollars…ok, let’s not be facetious.
Let’s also be realistic. Jealousy is a normal human emotion, which all of us will probably have experienced or will experience at some point in our lives. That is not to say its particularly pleasant. In my teenage years when I was afflicted with depression, I was so insanely jealous at some point that I felt I would actually vomit. I’m happy to say that is no longer the case, and that I want to share with you what I’ve learnt so that you may not have to suffer as I did.
- Jealousy flourishes in a vacuum.
A bit of wisdom from my therapist here. For me, there was a time in my life in which I was highly disconnected from the world. I communicated mainly online and didn’t have much social interaction. It was easy for me to build castles in the sky as to how successful and happy others were, when I was languishing and achieving nothing. Or so it seemed. When you are not ocnnected and only have yourself to base information on, it’s easy t create a biased view of the world and flagellate yourself with it.
Which brings me to my next point.
- Facebook and social media can be a major culprit.
Another equally wise acquaintance of mine made the point that “Facebook is the beauty pageant of our lives.” People generally only post to Facebook and other social media what they wish others to see. It a curated reality. Nice food, vacations, new clothes…no one (or very, very, VERY few people) puts pictures of aborted fetuses or messy divorces on Facebook. You are essentially not getting the full picture almost all of the time, and therefore it is easy to assume that others are doing better than they are.
Which brings me to my next point.
- You don’t know and cannot see.
Unless you are very close friends with someone (and even then!) it’s impossible to know each detail of their lives. They got the job you wanted? Maybe they worked really hard. Maybe they just got lucky. Maybe they had supportive friends. Maybe they didn’t.
And maybe (just maybe!) they ARE really that lucky and fortunate…which brings me to my next point.
- Circumstances matter.
I’m sure we all know who Bill Gates is, right? Yes, he’s pretty successful by most standards. But he was also born into a rich family and had the advantage of using a computer when almost no one else on Earth had access to one. He was in the right place at the right time.
There’s also this guy who you may or may not know of, Christopher Langan. The smartest man in America, who for a time working in a series of low-wage, menial labor jobs. What? You say. All that smarts and he did manual labor? Yes, because he came from disadvantaged circumstances and had financial difficulties growing up.
This one helped me a lot (I hope it does for you) because for a long time a lot of my jealous was caused by constantly comparing myself to my circle of friends, who came from more privileged backgrounds and had more functional families and also more financial resources.
Which brings me to my next point.
- Comparison is both inevitable and also unwarranted.
Society can be very shaming. Laws are created for when you are 18, 30, 35 and so on and so forth. But in reality, are we all born to the same mothers and fathers? Do all 21 year olds have the same bodies? Do all women think alike? Does everyone earn the same amount of money?
Thinking about it for even a second, you should be able to see where I am going with this. We compare because we think each person in a class should be doing as well as each other person. If I put in 5 hours of effort, I should be able to expect the same returns as the next guy or girl…but that’s not really the case, is it? We all have different strengths and abilities.
A great doctor would probably be a horrible pool player. The world’s best surgeon is not likely to be a good gardener (well he might be, but it’s not likely.)
So don’t compare.
- We typically do not become jealous of people that are too high above us.
A philosopher I like, Alain De Botton, makes an excellent point that we don’t get jealous of, let’s say, the Queen of England for instance. She is as far removed from us as the President, or Jay Z, or Beyonce. We get jealous of Joe next door, or the other guy who just got a promotion, or our cousin with the fancy car, because we think those are goals which are reachable and are denied us.
But are they? They are probably more reachable than you think. See above.
This may also help :
The guy wrote a bestseller and has a statue of himself and his dad asks him “so when are you going to make something of yourself.” Go figure.
- It may be pointing you to where you need to go.
And so, the last and most salient of points.
I am a firm believer in the notion that the dark sides of our psyche actually can spur us to be better human beings. Examine why you are jealous. Who are you jealous of? Why do you feel that way? What is it that you are jealous about?
I would posit the notion that if you go down deep into your jealousy, you will find that you will actually uncover that which you wish to do and be. Things that you have suppressed about yourself that have never come out into the light. Long forgotten desires that you put aside in favor of other concerns. They are all still there, waiting for you to access them.
Do the work. Go inside, and from there know yourself.
I hope this has been at least a little enlightening, and helps you be at least a little less jealous in your everday life. Thanks for reading. 🙂