Kink and Healing

I decided to write this after realizing that there was a dearth of resources in this space – plenty of information about kink, plenty about healing and psychology, but not both.
In my travels, I have met many brave and wounded souls who have shared their stories of kink, healing and transformation with me, and in that spirit I’d like to do my bit to make the world a better place.

What’s my claim to fame? Well, I have been kinky for about a quarter of a century and have studied psychology for about that period of time as well. I once suffered from a multitude of mental illnesses and wrote a book about my healing journey – you can find it at http://www.tomato-of-justice.com. (It was written for a vanilla audience and thus I don’t recount anything kinky within) I’ve read my fair share of books on both subjects and done a lot of research both online and in person – and most importantly, I’ve tested it all out on myself.

The intersection of kink and psychology is an interesting space because generally, people who know about one don’t know about the other. There are, of course, exceptions – there are curated lists of kink-aware therapists, and most sex therapists worth their salt should be able to engage in both topics.

Before I begin, I would like to state honestly and clearly that I am NOT a licensed therapist. I have a lot of reading and experience under my belt, which is why I feel comfortable writing this, but I can’t take responsibility for what may happen to you if you use the information within. Please care for yourself and work with a competent therapist and/or whatever healers you can trust.

While I am confident of my information, I also have to state that human beings are complex organisms. What I’ve written may not work for you, or you may find it only working in certain circumstances…or any one of a dozen permutations. I invite you to read with a critical eye and disregard what does not seem appropriate. I am also human and still learning, so please do let me know of any errors you may find.

With all that out of the way, let’s begin.

What I’ve found to be at the crux of healing is control and agency. In BDSM, done well, you are in control. You can stop anytime. There is trust, safety and intimacy. Your boundaries
are to be respected, and so is your personhood.

An offhand comment I made to a friend (vanilla) who observed a play session I was involved was in hindsight quite pithy, so I feel I should repeat it here.

During my abuse I –

a) Didn’t ask for it
b) Couldn’t stop it
c) Had no reason for why it was happening (until I figured it out in therapy)
d) Was painful (I come from an Asian family, lots of beatings) but I had no control over the pain

In kink it is –

a) I asked for it and the other person consented
b) I could stop anything (but didn’t because it felt good, until the session came to a natural end)
c) Knew EXACTLY why it was happening
d) It was painful (the good kind!) but I could stop at any time and I could control it by communicating with my top

The juxtaposition of the elements in both situations was transformative for me. Sure, I could put on my psychologist’s hat and trot out all the neuroscientific reasons and psychology for how the nerves were probably rewiring themselves, and how agency of the situation allowed me to reclaim my…and that would all be true. (as well as relevant – for those interested, I have included links to those at the bottom)

But it was also be a little boring. There was an alchemy in those first few magical play sessions – a sweet frothy bubbling mix of joy, vigor and well, just LIFE that ran back and through all the trauma and pain and what have you. It was magical. It was healing. And it’s why I am writing this.

I don’t want to give anyone the wrong impression and imply that kink itself did the trick. No, there was a lot of therapy, work, healing and acceptance as well. But kink was part of it. Probably used and directed, the energies generated in good play can be a powerful tool for recovery.

I would at this juncture like to stress that I believe that kink should be employed in conjunction with existing healing modalities. In addition, I do not think BDSM would work well for certain disorders (depression, for instance) Kink helped me specifically with my trauma and abuse, but it did NOT help me with my depression (mainly because I couldn’t even get out of bed, let alone hold a flogger) While I do know of kinky folk who suffer from depression and play, I believe it to be beyond the scope of this article to deal with that.

(I will say though that the “newbie rush” or indeed, the potent cocktail of neurotransmitters that are released during play should be used in lieu of medication, or to offset the serotonin imbalance that depression is indicative of. Play is great, but don’t play as an alternative to seeking adequate therapeutic and medical care. In short, floggers aren’t SSRIs)

In the spirit of focusing primarily on what I have direct experience of, let’s talk about abuse and trauma. Yeah fun stuff, right? 🙂 But that’s what we’re here for.

My own abuse was largely physical, mental and emotional at the hands of my parents. (I also was non-penatratively sexually abused in my 20s by my mom) What abuse does to a sufferer is that (among other things) it robs them of the ability to trust. While we shouldn’t trust just anyone we meet, a certain amount of trust is required to function in society and of course, to have quality interpersonal relationships.

When a person (especially a child) is constantly abused, the nervous system is thrown into disarray because it always has to be on alert. Downtime and rest are integral for a healthy organism. When we don’t get this, it has pretty horrible results. Not being able to trust a caregiver results in being in a constant state of warfare, essentially. Abused children are generally very good at saying what their parents want to hear, doing what they want them to do, and reading people – because in most cases, their survival depends on it!

Trauma is similar. When it occurs, trapped energy becomes stored in the sympathetic nervous system, and the brain stores information about the event in its psyche. This energy and mental patterns can be triggered by a variety of events, generally when something similar to the traumatic event has happened…the brain cannot tell that the event is over and relives it in the present. The traces of the trauma can linger in the system in a variety of ways, so it doesn’t need to be triggered per se to have an adverse effect.

That’s the bad news. (and a rather short summary – these are complex topics, so I hope you’ll forgive my summation in this article. I’m well aware there is much more nuance than that.)

What I’ll be talking about is how I believe that kink can help by reversing the polarities – so to speak – of that those experiences and their effect on the human body and psyche.

One of the key points of this article is the neuroscientific principle of neuroplasticity. Essentially, our brains can change – they do so often in response to stimuli, and it’s often easier than we think. What was learned can be unlearned – and so with skillful application of BDSM, we are rewriting the negative experiences with positive ones, in a space where boundaries, consent and communication are paramount. All that and we get to use whips and chains too!

I’ll be diving deeper into each topic that I feel is relevant in the sections below.

Boundaries and Negotiation

Perhaps one of the most (if not THE most) important elements in kink. As I like to say, the only non-negotiable is negociation!

How exactly is this healing, you might ask? Good question. In abuse and in other mental illnesses (BPD, for instance) our boundaries have often been violated or ignored. BDSM is a good space to practice the setting of healthy boundaries. Say what you will (or won’t do) make sure the other party understands and respects it, and repeat.

(Of course, this goes without saying that you have to trust your partner! Please exercise self-care and prudence and do not risk being traumatized again.)

Nothing cures a bad experience like a good one. While I had previously done a lot of reinforcing of personal boundaries myself, I did find the BDSM scene a fertile ground to practice. Yes means yes, no means no. Later means later. If you don’t know or need clarification – ask!

These simple things may sound basic – and they are – but they are also the foundation of effective communication and boundary setting. When we are able to negotiate in a safe space, confident that our needs and wants will be heard and understood, it can reach back to the many times in which they were not.

So speak up and don’t be afraid to let yourself be heard. And by the same token – listen well.

If necessary, practice doing this until it becomes second nature to you. I have never had any problems calling out my safeword when I felt it had to be done – and my top respected it each time – but I have been told that some people have a sense of shame about this. You shouldn’t need to.

I will go out on a partial limb and say here that nothing you ever say, hear or do in a kink space should be in any way hurtful or threatening (if it is, you’re probably in the wrong space)

Good kink is good poly is good relationships – sometimes I often say and have found to be true 100% of the time.

Safety

When our boundaries are violated in traumatic and abusive situations, we start to feel unsafe. Unsafe around others, unsafe in our skin, and unsafe in general. It is those lingering wounds that cause mental disorders to worsen and fester.

Let’s not mince words – kink is pretty intimate. If I flogged someone in public, consent or no consent, I would get send to jail for battery and assault. It takes being comfortable with someone to let them close into our personal space to do all these wonderful kinky things. In my own experience, I’ve found that that sends a powerful message to the past – people can be trusted. (Once again, perhaps not all, but some.)

The emphasis on communication and boundaries in the BDSM scene is there for a reason. We need these structures in place to do the things we do, in order to feel safe in our bodies and each other.

There is also a lot of good to be said about the openness of the kink community in general. While there are always going to be some bad apples (due to human nature) kinksters tend to be much more open-minded than vanilla folk due to the nature of our…proclivities. I have found much less stigma against mental health disorders there, and people usually willing to share their stories and experiences. That in and of itself can go a ways to rebuilding shattered trust and a self-concept that might have been a little bruised and battered.

Aftercare

After a play session, you are allowing the body to relax in the space of another person and let the neurotransmitters released during kink flow through your system. You’re open and vulnerable – that takes a lot of trust and intimacy! (not that actually doing the scene itself didn’t, but I trust that you get what I mean)

As I stated above, when we are abused or traumatized, we can get stuck in a state of limbic dysfunction. The nerves do not rewire themselves, and we carry around traces of the pain far after the event has ended. Short-term wounding can become long or even semi-permanent.

Once again, I am not recommending aftercare as an alternative to more direct methods of healing, but I believe it can be helpful in establishing a very real felt tactile sense of connection between ourselves and our play partners, which can aid in the embodiment of positive somatic experiences. It’s one thing to be reading about “somatic re-experiencing” and “rewiring the nervous system” and all those fancy words – and another to be experiencing it directly.

A good aftercare session can leave us more deeply embodied in the space of ourselves. We are more “here” – in the warm embrace of ourselves, pulled back from the icy darkness of disassociation that mental illness can leave us stranded in. Allow yourself as long as you need, and don’t be afraid to talk to your play partner about what you want and need from aftercare – that’s what communication is for!

Beyond the touching and cuddling aspect (which I admit is my favorite part!) – and also because aftercare does not always involve bodily contact – be sure to remain centred when going through the motions of whatever the aftercare is – even when it is something as apparently as mundane as a drink of water or sit down and debrief session. Look into their eyes and connect as fellow human beings. Acknowledge the trust that has been shared and then connection made – whether brief or prolonged. Then do you disengage and return to the “real world” – smile! It goes a long way.

Aftercare and play are a matched set – you can’t have one without the other. It is my belief that when both are engaged with consciously and with honest intentions that they have the potential to become deeply healing.

The relation to the body

All good psychologists soon learn about the mind-body connection – we are not just a brain on a stick. The brain is affected by all kinds of signals from the body, and the reverse is true as well. It’s a connection in the truest sense of the word – both work in tandem for us.

Kink is a unique space for the body. It’s not really a sport (though we do love our tools and toys) It’s not really art per se (though it can often be) It doesn’t even need to be sexual in nature (though it often is) In many ways, it is what you make of it. It’s a place in which we are utilizing our minds and bodies in new ways.

In terms of healing, what I’ve found to be helpful is just letting yourself…be. In whatever shape or form you feel called to, in whatever ways are safe for you. That might mean pet play. Rigging. Good old impact (my favorite!) Ropes.

Or even…just hanging out. Being yourself, saying hi to people, letting yourself just be yourself. Watch. Participate. Listen.

Allow yourself to be freely who you are in this space – to play out scenarios that you could never do in your vanilla life. Embody all of who you are and what you bring to the space. Let it enter you, and let yourself enter it.

I’ve often found that healing can be found in the most unlikely of spaces, as long as the doors of trust, intimacy and consent are held wide open.

Rape

I don’t feel qualified to write that much about this as I have not personally experienced it – what I experienced was non-penetrative sexual abuse, which is not the same as rape. I am only mentioning it here because I feel that this article would be incomplete without at least touching on it – since it’s related to a lot of mental disorders and mental health issues.

I do happen to know more than one kinky person who has recovered completely from their rape and gone on to experience a healthy and fulfilling sex life. One of them recounted to me that her sexual experiences were healing for her, as she was able to engage in consensual activities with trusted friends. As you’ve no doubt realized by now, that’s one of the central points of this piece – that we can replace bad experiences with good and reprogram the psyche.

I would like to touch on a myth that I often see perpetuated (even in college classrooms) – that rape victims don’t have rape fantasies. The difference between a fantasy and real life (other than the fact that one is real and the other isn’t) is that in a fantasy, you have total control. If by enacting a fantasy a rape victim can regain some of their agency and power – I say go for it. Not all will do so, but I do believe it to be a valid method of confronting the aftermath of the experience if done skillfully.

The last thing I’ll say on this note is that due to its violent physical nature, I generally consider rape close to trauma. As such, I believe that healing should normally be more focused on somatic approaches like EMDR/brainspotting/TRE.