As a confirmed polyandrist of 30 years, I am often asked questions about polyamory, especially since I am very open with it. I generally direct people to read the Ethical Slut, which remains the seminal text on the subject.
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However, I STILL get asked questions about it, and some people don’t want to read a book for whatever reason. So I’ve put together a short FAQ to hopefully clear up some issues about polyamory.
Research on polyamory is still ongoing, and it is not the social norm anywhere in the world as far as I know (historically, it’s a different matter, but I won’t be going into that) It is continually evolving as the modern world grapples with its legal and societal challenges, so do take that into account.
The absolute basics – what is Polyamory?
From the great storehouse of knowledge, the Internet :
Dictionary.com
pol·y·am·o·ry
/ˌpälēˈamərē/
noun
- the practice of engaging in multiple romantic (and typically sexual) relationships, with the consent of all the people involved.
Polyamory is NOT cheating (I’ve had to clarify this many times) Repeat after me, class – the basis of all polyamory is ethically informed consent. All parties involved need to know and consent to all activities involved, whether it’s dating, sex, cuddling or whatever may occur.
Now that that’s out of the way, I’m going to move on the topics that have come up for me the most :
1. Jealousy happens in polyamory.
It doesn’t happen to ME specifically (and some others I know) but we are the minority. Polyamorous people do get jealous. “How come you’re spending so such time with him/her/them” is a common complaint.
It takes careful work on boundaries and meeting needs and wants to have a good polyamorous relationship!
What may trigger jealousy in one person may not for another.
The poly world has a saying “love is unlimited, but time and resources often are not” It can be quite the balancing act.
2. There are various reasons for starting and continuing to be poly – or stopping it.
I am what is called “constitutionally poly” – I’m just poly, I have been this way since my early teens, I don’t know any other way to be, and it’s completely natural to me.
Not all poly folk are the same kind of poly, or come to it in the same way. I know people who read books on it and then decided to incline in that direction – much more intellectually than me. I also know others who are similar to me, they are emotionally inclined that way and it feels normal.
People also change, so people can start and/or stop being so. They might decide to open up their marriage. (or close it again!) They might do so for any one of many reasons. The journey is different for everyone.
3. There’s good and bad to poly (like most things)
I’ve seen really toxic polyamory with terrible boundaries and heartache and pain for everyone involved. I’ve also seen great and fantastic polyamory with cuddles and kisses for everyone.
On one hand, you get most resources, more partners, and more love. (Preliminary research into children raised in poly households has shown that they thrive slightly more than children in mono ones, because of the access to more parents)
On the other hand, there is more possibility of breakups, lots more communication needed, and don’t get me started on the scheduling…
4. It’s not for everyone (and it’s not necessarily better either)
I think a successful, healthy and committed monogamous relationship is a wonderful thing to behold (yes, they exist) I also think the same about polyamorous ones.
I had a friend once emphatically tell me that “he didn’t think that my relationship style was superior in any way” I replied equally emphatically that I have never once thought that way my entire life.
Poly people are poly, and mono folk are mono. Claiming a false superiority of one over the other would be saying like apples are better than oranges.
It’s also not for everyone. Some people are just not poly and will never be. Some people (me) are not mono and will never be. Poly folk typically enjoy (to a degree) the increased need for communication and boundary setting that successful poly requires. Some people throw their hands up in their air and declare it’s “too much effort” or “they could never make it work”
You do you, and don’t yuck someone else’s yum.
5. If sometimes goes wrong, don’t blame the poly. Also, poly is not an escape from reality.
These two go hand in hand, I find. I’ve heard of people rushing to point fingers when sometimes goes wrong in polyamory. “If only you had been in a normal relationship” they say.
Well…it’s typically not the polyamory itself that is the culprit. It’s generally poor boundary setting, failure to communication or any one of a number of things.
Poly is not some magical fairyland – and it’s not all sunbeams and blowjobs. Emotions get aroused. People get into fights and arguments…just like any other kind of relationship.
Polyamory is also not an excuse to go out and have lots of casual sex with random people. If you open up your relationship/marriage when there are still unresolved issues, I can more or less guarantee you that the issues will simply multiply and start affecting everyone involved in the relationship…which probably will result in some therapy being necessary at some point.
So please be responsible and have a reasonably clear idea of what you want and what poly actually is before doing anything stupid.
That’s about it for this piece – I’ve tried to keep it short and to the point, especially because there are many other resources out there. (see below)
Resources :
I recommend the Ethical Slut a lot, because it’s the seminal text. Read the updated editions if you can.
Jessica Fern’s Polysecure and Polywise are excellent, but they are intended more for people who are already poly.
I’ve spoken to the hosts of the Touch of Flavor podcast, I think it’s a pretty good resource.
Kimchee Cuddles is a fun comic about poly that while it didn’t really resonate with me, might with someone else.
Google with probably get you tons of hits, starting with the Wikipedia entry (which is a decent starting point) This is only intended as a primer, so interested folk should explore more on their own.
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